by Marcel Rebiai

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Hindrance to life or development

«Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.» Eph. 5:12-15

Expressing oneself on «marriage according to God‘s order» is no light task in this day. Many fears, emotions and conflicting views of life are associated with this topic. Whoever speaks about marriage according to God‘s order is almost exotic today.

What is the orientation point for our marriage?

The following remarks are purposely directed to people who want to measure their lives by God‘s order. We want this to be a testimony to them. It will also encourage them to give account to God and themselves about their concepts of marriage.
In our community we have also had to continue giving account to each other concerning the concepts, goals and realities of our marriages. This is partly because of our experiences and our growing understanding that marriage can optimally encourage or massively hinder fruitfulness in all areas; as well as opportunities for development for both man and woman.
One can object that this is no revolutionary knowledge. But – if this topic is dealt with at all – it seems to happen only in modest ways, especially in Christian circles. And this in spite of the fact that the need is huge.

Ethics according to people‘s needs?

Marriage as a way of life cannot be taken for granted, and this has been so for some time now. Not only homosexuals question the original understanding of marriage and family. It seems that especially in the Western world, the so-called Christian Occident, a basic transformation in the understanding of marriage and family is taking place. New ethics and morals are taking on increasingly apparant forms. This finds expression in the administration of justice and in religious behaviour.
Forty years ago it was absolutely unquestionable that a marriage measure itself at least externally by Biblical norms. Every outwardly uncommitted form for a man and woman to live together was forbidden by law. Now, however, neither society nor the state find anything offensive about even two men or two women officially living together in a marriage-like form. Perhaps they even adopt and raise children.
In Switzerland and other Christian countries, even churches hardly hesitate to encourage such a form of life with their blessing.
The value standards of this new ethic shape themselves according to people‘s needs, by their concepts of selfdetermination, freedom, quality of life, and harmony. It is actually a completely humanistic ethic because man and his needs are central.


God‘s path to the fulness of life

However, everyone who believes that God is the center of all things; that His Word became flesh; that Jesus is the source of salvation, freedom, and quality of life; that only God‘s word transmits generally valid normative values and that man attains fulfilment and life not through self-determination but solely under God‘s rule – whoever believes this will come into increasing conflict and confrontation with the government, society, culture and often even the church. It is urgent that we begin giving account of what image of God and man forms us inrelation to our life together, our marriage and family. What are we conveying to our children? What are we testifying to our neighbours?


God‘s goals for marriage

As I see it God‘s goals and His intention for marriage have not changed since the creation of man. What has changed, however, are the conditions for reaching this goal.
Therefore there is a before the Fall and an after the Fall. The conditions have changed in an unbelievably drastic way.

God‘s original idea

Before the Fall we read that man and woman had free access to God. They saw Him face to face. Their identity and their self-worth were so saturated with the immediate relationship to God, who stood between them and gave each one an understanding for the other, that they were– as we read – naked without being ashamed. Each one was embedded, protected, whole in his relationship to God. No rivalry, no battle, not threats, no fear.

Marriage - a place of vitality

And God told them the goal of their life and their relationship: «Be fruitful and multiply in number, fill the earth and subdue it». (Gen.1:28)
God created marriage as a place of vitality and life, which in turn brings forth life and testifies to the God of life.
God intended marriage not as a place for self-realization, for satisfying one‘s own needs, or for self-orientation. He rather intended it as a place where God‘s Kingdom and character are made visible. It is also a place of optimal development for the man as well as for the woman. A place of fruitfulness, of dedication, of respect. A relational reality which mirrors and reflects God, the God of relationship, of dedication, of fulness of life, of security, respect and truth, of freedom and beauty, of love.

Fruitfulness as a commission

«Be fruitful and multiply in number…»
Fruitfulness, goal and commission are not limited to the conception of descendants. Fruitfulness is not full until we as man and woman so share our life with our own and other children that they become capable of living in body, soul and spirit – i.e. when they become capable of relationships and conflicts, thus becoming a part of life.

Increase through sharing

I believe that «increase/multiply» does not stress physical increase only. It is much more a case of sharing our life, of distributing, and – wherever we go – of making life possible, promoting and spreading it, until this life from God fills the whole earth. This fruitfulness, to which man and wife (and not just in marriage!) are called, is not only a matter of outward involvement, but rather of the inmost realities of my heart as well. Galatians 5 describes how this fruitfulness is intended, «But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control» (Gal. 5:22-23). This is a description of God‘s characteristics. Being fruitful means that these characteristics are formed within us and become reality in the relationship between man and woman. The more God‘s reality and being grow in our relationships, according to Galatians 5, the more people (our children first) will experience protection, security, orientation and healing through our marriage. People will taste God‘s goodness, His clarity, truth and mercy in our life and thus be motivated to live.

Ruling in God‘s name

Another word about ruling and subduing the earth. Words like ruling and subduing intuitively cause resistance in us, especially we who are influenced by the Renaissance. We link them first of all to bondage, exploitation, capriciousness and degradation. The history of mankind massively confirms our resistance to and our rejection of ruling. And yet when the God of the Bible speaks of ruling, this is a completely different matter. When He commissions mankind to rule, it is a matter of that fruitfulness of which we have spoken. God is a God of life and of fulness, of freedom and truth. God is a God of mercy and is portrayed by the Bible as love itself. Thus to rule in His name can only mean leading people to life, to fulness, to freedom and truth, in brief, making them familiar with the God of relationship.

Changed pre-conditions of every inter-personal relationship

Genesis 3 tells us about the greatest tragedy of mankind‘s history and of its consequences, under which we are increasingly suffering. Man allows himself to be made distrustful of God. He makes his life dependent on other powers and possibilities, and distances himself from God. But distrust makes genuine relationship impossible, for genuine relationship can be lived only on the basis of trust. Mistrust breaks relationship.
As we have often emphasized, God is a God of relationship and created man in His image also as a creature of relationship. So, if a person lives in a broken or unwhole relationship, he is ill, deathly ill. His being is broken and unprotected. This is what the devil wanted from the beginning: to bring a person to break the relationship which alone gave him protection, security and wholeness. For the devil knew that this would mean death for mankind. A person dies in unwhole, broken relationships. By stepping out of this relationship to God, man lost not only the protection, but also the understanding of God‘s reality. Since the Fall, man no longer knows who God is. Because he has lost his reference to God, he doesn‘t know who he himself is either. The reaction to the loss of identity is fear, because anyone who does not know God is unprotected from the powers which destroy life.

Loss of relationship = loss of identity

God‘s reality was lost to Adam and Eve when they turned away from Him. Whoever loses his reference to God‘s reality, loses it to his own reality as well. He is robbed of everything which makes him up. That is why it says, «…and they recognized that they were naked» (Gen.3:7).
The nakedness spoken of here is the loss of one‘s own identity, the self-awareness which can grow only from an awareness of God. Poverty, darkness and inferiority became man‘s reality.
The loss of value leads to the reaction that I cannot share myself as I am. I am ashamed of myself because I realize that I am naked and exposed. I cannot stand up for myself.

A battle begins

Since the Fall, the relationship between man and woman has been marked by accusation, assigning guilt, mistrust, suspicion, feeling threatened by the differentness of other people to whom one is exposed without protection; a battle for one‘s own value and self-awareness, a battle for one‘s own place, for the confirmation of one‘s own existence which is demanded from others.
Distance from God led to distance and estrangement between man and woman. In this distance from God all relationships between man and woman are open or unconsciously marked by a greed for life, because God as the direct source of life is no longer accessible.
Therefore we should not be surprised that marriage without God‘s reality is a place of exploitation, degradation, oppression, mistrust,  accusation and battle. In brief: It is hell, where both the man and the woman suffer.

Partnership as solution?

Partnership is a term which men, and especially women, like to use because in the battle for one‘s place, each one understandably tries to determine limits and safeguards for himself. A democratic understanding is the basis for partnership.
Partners become partners because they have the same needs and interests and therefore agree to the same rights and duties. When the interests separate again, every partnership also ends. Partnership has nothing to do with relationship, adjustment, or submission.
In a partnership each one starts from his own needs. The goal is self-realization and self-determination, of course when possible under fair and just conditions. Partnership cannot get along without a certain amount of mutual control in order to assure that the partner is not cheating or taking advantage of me. These vibrations generally exist in every partner relationship. So the most intimate relationship remains a battle-ground because one cannot completely let go or open up to the other unreservedly.
In every battle there is a winner and a loser. And because each one is fighting for his life, both lose it, even the apparent winner. «The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life» (John 21:15). This is how God has regulated His Kingdom. He wants trust, not control; dedication and not self-realization.

A New Order

In spite of all that, God has not given up his goal for marriage! But because the pre-conditions for marriage have changed, God has also adjusted the marriage order to those realities. The regulations in Ephesians 5 require from both man and woman a dedication which includes their lives, in order to attain God‘s goals. These regulations provide the only possible protection for the growth of God‘s Kingdom in marriage.

God‘s commission to the man

For God, there is no difference in value between man and woman. It is written, «There is neither … male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus» (Gal. 3:28). But God has distributed the tasks in a new way. He commissioned the man to bear responsibility for his wife and also for his descendents, to provide a place where they can experience the God of life. Making marriage fruitful will cost the man everything, as described in Ephesians 5.
The man should carry out his commission not by taking and ruling, not by exploiting and using, but rather by giving himself. The man be concerned about the needs and fears, and the often hard-to-understand realities of a woman‘s life. Not only the woman is man‘s helper, but the man should also help his wife unfold her life.
This does not mean simply taking over some of the housework, so that the woman as well as the man can seek self-realization. (Help with the housework can also be necessary...) It is far more costly for the man, for example, to help his wife think through mutual questions about the children‘s up-bringing; determining family values, thinking about the children. He is challenged about relationships with the neighbours, structuring the household… The man must invest time and energy to understand, value and encourage a woman‘s thinking and feeling, her world, interests, plans and desires.
This will cost the man more than the sweat of his brow, especially if his wife turns out to be difficult, or when inherited and acquired modes of behaviour turn out to be unpleasant. When narrowness, helplessness, extravagance, basic inabilities or deep, covered wounds become visible, this is when we men have a tendency to distance ourselves. This is when God says to us, «Husband, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…».

Dedication to his wife

The dedication and love which God demands from the husband toward his wife is not rooted in feelings, as important as it is for the husband to completely develop his feelings. The love demanded of the husband is rooted in the decision he made before God and other people towards his wife. God wants us men to hold fast with our whole being to the Yes we gave. This is a question of obedience and of the fear of God, as it is said of Jesus, «he was obedient to death» (Phil.2:8).
And it says that the husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church. God wants us to be concerned about everything which threatens the life of our wife and children, whether from within (needs, sins, wounds) or from without (conflicts and threats in society and the larger family). He wants us to bear tensions and work through conflicts, looking for God-pleasing solutions, answers and basic help. If we are incapable of this ourselves, it is still our responsibility to see that help comes. Only when we recognize this responsibility, when we decisively stand by our word, when we do not withdraw from our wives over tensions, but rather seek to clarify, defend and bring order, will we experience that God also stands by us men. Then He will lead us into a true authority which makes it easy for the woman to entrust herself to us.

God‘s commission to the wife

For the man it is explicitly a matter of obedience to God. It is a matter of the fear of God, of integrity and reliability, of the dedication of his life, so that living space is created for his wife and children.
The challenge for the wife lies in trusting, in humility, and in renouncing her weapons and her possibilities to create life for herself. One of the woman‘s most effective weapons is manipulation, i.e. the ability to make someone subservient to her desires and goals by circumventing his own will.
«Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything» (Eph.5:24). This is first of all a challenge to pride. And it is understandable that everything in the woman rears up against this, for at first this seems to put her in an inferior position.
In many religions and unfortunately in Christianity‘s history as well, this was and often still is understood to mean that God prefers the man to the woman. However, this is not the Biblical testimony, either in the Old nor in the New Testament. Just as God has his woman prophets and judges in the Old Testament, Jesus in the New Testament honors the woman like the man. From God‘s standpoint, the woman‘s submission can in no way mean putting her down. It is much rather a matter of the place God assigns her, which corresponds to her being and where she can most optimally experience God‘s reality in her life. It is an order which should offer protection and development.

Respect for the man

An attitude of respect and trust is expected of the woman. She should expect responsibility and decision from the man and let him go ahead on life‘s narrow path. She should place herself totally under his protection and name, completely standing by him. Submitting also means completely affirming that woman‘s place is different from man‘s. This affirms the fact that God explicitly and exclusively assigned both man and woman to the place where He will give fullness of life and riches.
For the woman also this attitude is primarily a question of obedience, not to the man, but to her God. She will not be able to submit and take her place with her own power. Only when she knows God and trusts Him as a God who is wholly for her, who is her father, who is able in all cirumstances to create life, dignity, justice and protection for her – only then can she also submit to her husband. Then she also creates space for her husband to take his place and his responsibility, and to develop his authority.

A place where life can unfold

It is not always easy for the wife to respect her husband and allow him to lead, especially when she knows better. Sooner or later it will become clear that he is neither a Hercules nor an Einstein nor a Billy Graham, but rather much more common and unassuming. Lacks, ignorance and inability reveal themselves. The wife discovers that her husband can not express himself well, that he gets no good ideas, that it is hard for him to make decisions and that he is just not up to it. Now it is anything but easy, with all his weaknesses, to accept his authority, to respect him, to encourage him to take his place. No matter how incapable the man appears, it is not for the woman to take over his responsibility. God assigned her a different place, as the man‘s helper. There she will be blessed.
Many women refuse to respect their husbands, thus hindering their development as men. At the same time they are surprised that they are unprotected and they notice that their children lack a true father. It lies to a large extent in the woman‘s hands whether men grow into authorities or not. In the same way, it is in the men‘s hands whether their wives become creative and fruitful.

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